Mach Investigates : Satire

Sometime within November-December 2012, I was hired as the Director of Satire for CPAC. I created the sensitive topic because I was “bored”, but ever since then, the category of “Satire” has evolved from some simple heart warming comedy, to a full blown industry. The CPAC team for satire was assembled during my leave from CPAC, and after that, TSN came with some comedy to boot. I have to admit, most of the modern satirists are hilarious, But I never expected this to become as huge as it is now.

Are drugs involved? Mach investigates.

The original series of satire “The Funnies” had such an overwhelmingly positive overview that the Satire category flourished heavily. I am looking at some of the biggest names in Satire today. Starting with the guy who beat me in the Satirist poll by over 50 votes, and who also won himself reporter of the year… SHIVER!

Now, this is what grinds my gears.

Can you see the hypocrisy in that?

Yes, the UMA were using allies. What else were they going to do when you pulled RPF out of your ass? Don’t say you didn’t bring RPF, because ELMIKEY IS IN THE CORNER OF THAT PHOTO.

ACP also used the classic “THEY LOGGED OFF FIRST WE WIN” excuse to try to convince themselves they won even after UMA clubbed them senseless for 33 minutes.

After all, what do you expect from the Clover? I sure did expect something more informative and funner to read than Positively ACP (but it turns out they have pretty much the same staff.)

Why does ACP need this site anyway? They already have their main site. The Clover is like the ACP site’s gay little brother (although the big brother is probably way more homosexual.) No offense to Wgfv here.

Most of the informative content isn’t even original and most it is copied from CPAC and the ACP site. Like, am I going to go look at CPAC or some cheesy ACP magazine if I want army news?

I also find it disturbing that they copied three pages from The Stale Nacho; “Rules for Authors,” “Send Us Content!,” and “Staff.”

Plagiarism at it’s finest.

Don’t get me STARTED on the GRAMMAR.

On the same day, another shocking news was released. Purple Republic is said to be back to business. This scared Army Leaders, who were afraid of their armies’ events, that may be interrupted by purple penguins wearing mining hats.

Excerpt from “Week in armies: 7/28/13 – 8/3/13″

Might as well make the motto of the site “The ACP’s Elementary School Newspaper.” Hey, most of ACP’s troops are actually in elementary school (primary school for Brits.)

I don’t even see how this is an upgrade over Positively ACP. This is a propaganda site supported by the ACP leadership. Jesus Christ, this is almost as bad as when Funks was CEO of CPAC. However, Funks was so biased he was unaware he biased. Don’t ask me how that works. I don’t know.

Nobody even reads it, except for ACP noobs. Ask anyone. In fact, most of the readers are just there to complain. When Jamie makes a post that actually made sense and was good, this is all he got for comments:

Yeah, says a lot. Mhm.

Oh, and their “About” page is blank.


Well, thats my 2 cents. What about yours?

I think my favorite part of that was “Yes, the UMA were using allies. What else were they going to do when you pulled RPF out of your ass? Don’t say you didn’t bring RPF, because ELMIKEY IS IN THE CORNER OF THAT PHOTO.” Next I will focus on CP armies’ favorite mexican, heres a hint:


That’s right, it’s CPAC’s own PACO!


Hello CPAC viewers and once again be ready to read another post for dummies, this one involving the popular vote in the last post which was Dictatorship.


I know a lot of you wanted a Lord Pain for Dummies post but I can’t do that for a simple reason, one does not simply make a post for the almighty dictator, ruler of 9 worlds, god of the Egyptians, the one and only Lord Pain, we are not worthy. Dictatorship is as close as I can get to that topic so let us go into it. We all know that there are several type of dictators in this CP Army world and many of them who have succeeded and reached Legend glory and others who will never see it because of coups and this post is mainly for you dummies. Here are some tips for you to not be such a pain in the neck… no pun intended.  Now for all you future Stalin, Hitler, Castro, Kim Jong Il’s lets get to what makes a good dictatorship work on a Club Penguin army and get you to boost up your troop rate and efficiency.

Dictatorship is a single led nation and ruled by an iron fist, whatever the leader says, goes. This can be very stressful and possibly cause quick retirement, or even a coup do to a bad decision made under stress. I have done some thinking and I have found a few ways in which a dictatorship will not end in stress related incident.

  • Don’t be a Tyrant who does not notice what his troops want. King Louis XVI was beheaded for a reason.
  • Use a balanced ranking system, get 2ic’s that are capable to lead their own army but aren’t power hungry, so basically don’t hire Sccot or those kinds of troops who always ask about their rank first.
  • Pornography on the other tab. When stress shows up, let them boobies take it away.
  • Don’t hold elections or anything like that. This ain’t no Murica, you’re a dictator! We will do this for Mother Russia!
  • Don’t rage… you look like a toddler who is having a tantrum. If you rage every second you prove how incapable you are.
  • Be Pain. The Almighty Pain is the best example of how glorious a good dictatorship can be.
  • Results of the bullet above ^ may vary.

Well CPAC dummies, I hope that helps, and thanks for keeping this CPAC “For Dummies” article keep running, I had to post this one a few days late since the Legends Cup was hogging views.


So what should I do next? Comment Your Ideas or pick one of the following:

  • Time Zones for Dummies
  • Admitting Defeat for Dummies
  • Hacking for Dummies.

You should do hacking for dummies, and here are my reasons:

  • Noobs think when you add someone to your site and they delete stuff, its a hack
  • “Hacks”, according to the noobs, take place frequently
  • Elmikey is so desperate to exact revenge that he needs to learn. Elm, please go to and download that file 😀

Finally, I will end off with a photo that I want some satire poster dudes to use:

So thats why Np3000 quit CP armies.

This has been a post in the Mach Investigates series

15 Responses

  1. Cool. I agree.


  2. Good post, my only comment would be that like 50% of your post is copied in a quotebox. Please try and steer away from that.

    And yes, I’m white as snow.


  3. That post had so many things I already read, it gave me herpes


  4. Lol, I just love your posts.


  5. Dissapointed, this post never did answer the question if drugs at win colors with satire. Extremely dissapoint.


  6. Great post mch, but for some reason that picture makes me want to have chicken……..


  7. Drugs For Dummies Whut Naow


What do YOU think? Comment your opinion!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: